Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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