I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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