im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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