Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
