I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
