He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
