i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
