That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
