u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
