The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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