Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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