I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
