my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She even gives head with a lisp.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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