All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When are your genitals available?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
