I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
