Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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