What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
