I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
