my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
