Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
