I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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