so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
