I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
