I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Randomize
