Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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