I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
