if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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