I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
