this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
