If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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