you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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