??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
