It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
