Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
