There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
