Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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