she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
