I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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