If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
