How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
