I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
