the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
