take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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