Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
