apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
