I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i dont even know how to be here
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
