we should wear snuggies to the strip club
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
