There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
