I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
