Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
