im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
farters have to be the big spoon...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
