tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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